Loveless Games.
Deck 023
Hello Family,
This week’s deck features notes on taking a stand against cruelty, seeing the poetry of our lived experiences, choosing ourselves and more.
At the end of this email, you’ll also find a personal essay and micro-story reflecting on a version of myself that once reveled in loveless games. I hope you enjoy the notes below and reading one of the stories that led me to this place.
With love,
Jamal
Enough with the indifference to cruelty.
Look for poetry in the human experience.
I want to dream.
We all need friends.
“Platonic Soulmates” by
Stop playing games that subvert your aims.
…are you choosing you?
Spades.
Growing up, I spent my summers with my grandma in Virginia. While I look back on those times fondly, I can’t help but remember how her anxiety often relegated my search for fun to the boundaries of her yard. Unfortunately, this often left me bored. But, it also created opportunities for her and I to connect. One of our favorite ways to do so was to play Spades.
During my first summer playing, I had my butt handed to me regularly as my grandma playfully showered me with teases throughout our games. Although my successes were minor, I was hooked. Each game pushed me to think a bit deeper while also giving me a window into the mind of the brilliant woman in front of me.
The following summer we continued our newfound tradition with a game on the night of my arrival. We made our bids as we normally did, but something was different this time. After each hand, I was the one with playful banter leaving my lips as my grandma bid board hand after hand. Although our roles had been reversed, her playfulness never left. “Grandson, grandson. Why are you doing your poor grandma like this?” she said with a voice still kissed by her childhood in Panama.
Not one for losing, my grandma eventually pulled out one of the tricks that had undoubtedly been used on her as a young girl. Thankfully I wasn’t too enthralled in my unexpected success to notice her faulty math. “Grandma did you just change the score?!” I asked half expecting her to say no. She didn’t.
As soon as her deception was discovered she and I both laughed. Me knowing I had finally gotten the better of the ingenious woman I was blessed to call Grandma. And her, knowing that any hope of winning had just slipped away – at least for the night.
In college, I continued to play games. Unfortunately, they were the kind insecure men play in hopes of finding some semblance of confidence. Rather than cards, these games centered the hearts of those who longed to be seen. Instead of truth, I offered them lies. And instead of the flowers they deserved, I gave them scars.
Like my grandma, I leaned into deception to secure the wins society had deemed worth the cost. What I didn’t know was that my partners wouldn’t be the only ones paying the fee.
Ten plus years later and I am a far cry from the boy that once masqueraded as a man. I have since seen myself. I have wept bitterly at the harm done to me and done by me. I have been made tender by life. And it is that tenderness that now fuels my art and desire to love fully.
Playing with Hearts
A micro-story.
Our eyes met from across the table.
The cards had been dealt, and it was time to bid.
I went first.
“Looks like I have 3 books,” I shared with a grin.
“I think I have 3 too!” she replied.
“Want to bid 7?” she continued, hopeful for our future.
“Why not?” I responded, now smirking.
She thought we were set. And we were.
I was just playing a different game.
One where hearts mattered less than in Spades.
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Loved your essay and was charmed by this description “she said with a voice still kissed by her childhood in Panama.” Well done
Your found poems hit differently, the more I get to know you, in the same way your micro-story hit differently after learning about your history with Spades. I was so touched by the sweetness of your connection with your grandma, that the contrast to your character’s loveless game made me think about how, even though the games we play keep changing, connections can only remain sacred when we seek to serve the other over the Self. Please keep sharing more of your stories!