So glad I had the time to read one of your articles today, Jamal! I love the quotes and the link of perfectionism to insecurity. It’s a reminder I needed, for sure. I’d like to raise you one though— social anxiety and any anxiety for that matter, is also a compounded symptom of core issues, core fears and limiting beliefs like insecurities. These things that end up becoming so strong we have to pathologize them— they’re just layers and layers of avoidance to view and experience the original fear. Sometimes we need medication or therapeutic intervention when we have gone too far into the fear— but in the end, it all comes down to the same genetic programmings to protect us. We all mirror each other. Thank you so much for providing the space for such thoughts today. Appreciate you!
In lieu of writing a novel about perfectionism in this comment, I will instead offer a book recommendation that helped me both see my perfectionism for what it is and see the beauty in it. The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler.
Jamal, thank you. The sentence "Perfectionism is insecurity" hit me hard. I’ve struggled with perfectionism my whole life. It's a socially accepted concept that I never questioned or looked behind. You’ve likely opened many eyes by looking beyond it and revealing where it truly comes from.
I’ve struggled a lot in my adult life with perfectionism and clinical depression. When I’m unhealthy mental perfectionism seems to reign. When I become healthier it is hard to break the patterns my perfectionism creates. Fear of failure and vulnerability linger in my life. I’m beginning to wonder if I mistakenly hide by saying “I’m an idea person but not good at planning and carrying it out. “ because trying to carry it out could mean failure. Thanks for sharing your words which help me think about my world.
“It is almost impossible for anyone…to continue to choose misery after becoming aware that it is a choice.”
Jamal I might need you as my mentor!
For years, I lived in misery but I wasn't sure how to get out of it. It seemed like I told myself a thousand times that I'm ok but it would years later when I would believe those words. I wanted someone to blame because that seemed easy to do along with carrying heavy blame for myself. I was mentally and emotionally abusing myself. When I realized that, I chose to get out my misery.
Dr. Glasser changed the game for me for though. Its a thick book, but the wisdom he shares in Choice Theory was exactly what I needed during a time of heartbreak and grief.
Just like you, I wanted to blame someone else. Yes they hurt me but it was my choice if I pursued healing or not. I glad you discovered truth in your own way and own timing. Shit is real.
Another moving piece that sparked so many thoughts, Jamal. Thank you for your vulnerability as always. "Instead, it was an excuse for me to continue to live motivated by fear" - just lovingly slapped me around the face and into action. In gratitude to be featured here along such brave words ❤️
I exhaled long, smooth, and slow when I read your counselor-not-mentors offering: “You have deep-seated insecurities.” I see your journey, Jamal. I see it and I honor you. Thank you for sharing your words and work.
Felt like a cold, wet blanket I’d grown comfortable wearing being taken from me. Forever grateful for the wisdom of his words - even if I’d feel presumptive saying them to anyone myself.
This really resonated with me. The idea that if we can control everything we won't be hurt. It's an attempt to run from pain and rejection. Thank you for writing this and being vulnerable. It takes courage to go into these depths of one's self.
Speaking directly to my soul with this one. I also thought I suffered from social anxiety even though something in me knew it didn’t quite fit. Perfectionism is the answer for so many of us. Thank you for sharing.
Too much judgment, character assasination and criticism by people who cannot accept others, their views or their success... no respect for another human being.
Society has lost all social grace.
It seems a national sport..
Thank you!
"Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."
Yes, at one point in history humans were seeking spirituality, were connected to nature had a family mindset. The old philosophers reflect that.
There have always been the ego maniacs and a certain degree of evil in this world, but when industrialization and church hit human kind it became a whole other level of subjugation, exploitation and destruction.
Now it's global ...
arrogance, ignorance and greed are in charge.
The money mindset that was created by a few is now out of control, humans are sick and nature is on the brink...
This is a powerful realization, Jamal. Perfectionism can feel almost virtuous, a noble pursuit we should all strive for. But like you said, it's often just a mask for deeper anxieties. Thanks for sharing your story. True growth comes from facing those insecurities, not hiding behind labels. It might be messy, but it's the only way to crack open that shell and become the best version of ourselves.
Ah, our minds have so much potential...it can cage us in fear or open the door to freedom. I find that shift from "social anxiety" to "deep seated insecurities" profound. When we label ourselves, it gives the false impression that we're static, unchangeable beings, but when we identify beliefs we happen to have at the time, they're so obviously temporary - if we choose to make them so. Thanks for this post, Jamal. It's a wonderful reminder of how much choice and agency we all possess.
Wow. Deep seated insecurities, of course! Amazing how this insight feels much more manageable than a towering disorder name like Social Anxiety. I wonder how many other disorders are misdiagnosed and then leads to even more said anxiety. Really thought-provoking, thank you.
So glad I had the time to read one of your articles today, Jamal! I love the quotes and the link of perfectionism to insecurity. It’s a reminder I needed, for sure. I’d like to raise you one though— social anxiety and any anxiety for that matter, is also a compounded symptom of core issues, core fears and limiting beliefs like insecurities. These things that end up becoming so strong we have to pathologize them— they’re just layers and layers of avoidance to view and experience the original fear. Sometimes we need medication or therapeutic intervention when we have gone too far into the fear— but in the end, it all comes down to the same genetic programmings to protect us. We all mirror each other. Thank you so much for providing the space for such thoughts today. Appreciate you!
Thank you Rae 😊
I love the additional reflection! I wanted people to make their own self-assessment on this one – like an aha moment if they hadn’t had it yet.
In lieu of writing a novel about perfectionism in this comment, I will instead offer a book recommendation that helped me both see my perfectionism for what it is and see the beauty in it. The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler.
Thanks Toi!
Love the format of your writing!
I appreciate that family!
Oof! That quote about perfectionism really being insecurity hit HARD. x
You and me both 😭
Jamal, thank you. The sentence "Perfectionism is insecurity" hit me hard. I’ve struggled with perfectionism my whole life. It's a socially accepted concept that I never questioned or looked behind. You’ve likely opened many eyes by looking beyond it and revealing where it truly comes from.
Thank you for sharing this Victoria 😩
I'm always grateful when my words connect with another.
May we both move bravely as we create our art 🙏🏽
I’ve struggled a lot in my adult life with perfectionism and clinical depression. When I’m unhealthy mental perfectionism seems to reign. When I become healthier it is hard to break the patterns my perfectionism creates. Fear of failure and vulnerability linger in my life. I’m beginning to wonder if I mistakenly hide by saying “I’m an idea person but not good at planning and carrying it out. “ because trying to carry it out could mean failure. Thanks for sharing your words which help me think about my world.
Thank you for your vulnerability and joining me in this space Eunice 🙏🏽
I think your reflection is revealing. The way we define ourselves weighs heavily on what we deem possible for ourselves.
“It is almost impossible for anyone…to continue to choose misery after becoming aware that it is a choice.”
Jamal I might need you as my mentor!
For years, I lived in misery but I wasn't sure how to get out of it. It seemed like I told myself a thousand times that I'm ok but it would years later when I would believe those words. I wanted someone to blame because that seemed easy to do along with carrying heavy blame for myself. I was mentally and emotionally abusing myself. When I realized that, I chose to get out my misery.
I'll give you whatever I got 😊
Dr. Glasser changed the game for me for though. Its a thick book, but the wisdom he shares in Choice Theory was exactly what I needed during a time of heartbreak and grief.
Just like you, I wanted to blame someone else. Yes they hurt me but it was my choice if I pursued healing or not. I glad you discovered truth in your own way and own timing. Shit is real.
Another moving piece that sparked so many thoughts, Jamal. Thank you for your vulnerability as always. "Instead, it was an excuse for me to continue to live motivated by fear" - just lovingly slapped me around the face and into action. In gratitude to be featured here along such brave words ❤️
Thank you for these kind and affirming words Giselle ❤️
And I'm grateful my story resonated with you. It's a blessing to connect with others over things I once concealed from the world 🙏🏽
Thank you for your words and vulnerability, Jamal.
Also, I second Shondra Bowie Riley's After Birth essays. Must reads.
Thanks Lani and they are SOOO good!
I exhaled long, smooth, and slow when I read your counselor-not-mentors offering: “You have deep-seated insecurities.” I see your journey, Jamal. I see it and I honor you. Thank you for sharing your words and work.
Thank you Camille 🥹🙏🏽
Felt like a cold, wet blanket I’d grown comfortable wearing being taken from me. Forever grateful for the wisdom of his words - even if I’d feel presumptive saying them to anyone myself.
This really resonated with me. The idea that if we can control everything we won't be hurt. It's an attempt to run from pain and rejection. Thank you for writing this and being vulnerable. It takes courage to go into these depths of one's self.
Thank you Kika ❤️
It took some painfully refining experiences to get to this point but I'm thankful that opening myself up helps others as well 🙏🏽
Speaking directly to my soul with this one. I also thought I suffered from social anxiety even though something in me knew it didn’t quite fit. Perfectionism is the answer for so many of us. Thank you for sharing.
Grateful this resonating and it's comforting to hear from someone else who's had the same experience!
Too much judgment, character assasination and criticism by people who cannot accept others, their views or their success... no respect for another human being.
Society has lost all social grace.
It seems a national sport..
Thank you!
"Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."
Agreed.
I wonder if such social grace ever existed though 💔
Yes, at one point in history humans were seeking spirituality, were connected to nature had a family mindset. The old philosophers reflect that.
There have always been the ego maniacs and a certain degree of evil in this world, but when industrialization and church hit human kind it became a whole other level of subjugation, exploitation and destruction.
Now it's global ...
arrogance, ignorance and greed are in charge.
The money mindset that was created by a few is now out of control, humans are sick and nature is on the brink...
At least that is what I see...
This is a powerful realization, Jamal. Perfectionism can feel almost virtuous, a noble pursuit we should all strive for. But like you said, it's often just a mask for deeper anxieties. Thanks for sharing your story. True growth comes from facing those insecurities, not hiding behind labels. It might be messy, but it's the only way to crack open that shell and become the best version of ourselves.
Thank you brother! It took heartbreak to break me open but I'm thankful I was given a chance to really see myself for the first time.
I'm glad to hear that, brother!
Ah, our minds have so much potential...it can cage us in fear or open the door to freedom. I find that shift from "social anxiety" to "deep seated insecurities" profound. When we label ourselves, it gives the false impression that we're static, unchangeable beings, but when we identify beliefs we happen to have at the time, they're so obviously temporary - if we choose to make them so. Thanks for this post, Jamal. It's a wonderful reminder of how much choice and agency we all possess.
Well said Marisa!
Your reflection makes me think of the power of words on our personhood 🤔
Wow. Deep seated insecurities, of course! Amazing how this insight feels much more manageable than a towering disorder name like Social Anxiety. I wonder how many other disorders are misdiagnosed and then leads to even more said anxiety. Really thought-provoking, thank you.
Thank you Bonnie! And that's a great question 😳